Some days I find myself thinking what everyone thinks one dealing with cancer would think. What'd I do? Why me? These questions often lead to "deep thought" about the whirlwind of time that has just past by and all that has happened. I want to record some of that reflection and a good place to start is in the beginning…

  Rewind to early April: I was going through a time in my life where I was doing some self evaluating (like we ever stop). For some reason, I am sure many will not understand (and I really cannot explain (I’ve tried)), I have always wanted my nipple pierced (well since I learned of such a thing). So it was early April and I had my nipple pierced. For me it was incredibly liberating and empowering. Like I said, I don’t expect everyone to understand but this is the way it happened. Well everything went fine, the boob was healing nicely and life went on. I started noticing that I was very tired. In fact I had taken a couple of vacation days (like one a week) and found myself sleeping for the whole day. I didn’t really think much of it because, hey, being in bed isn’t a bad thing, I like my bed, its comfy. Around the same time I was bruising (again, not much to think of since bruising isn’t all that uncommon) and my gums were bleeding. I worried a little bit about the gums thing but my thoughts were more like “this sucks; I hope I don’t have gum disease”. I was also a little worried about my period lasting 9 days when its usually only 3 or 4 days tops. All these symptoms together did worry me and I did some research online as to what it could possibly be. I started taking vitamin C just in case it was something like scurvy, and I stared with multi-vitamins since it seemed more likely that a simple deficiency was the culprit. THEN I got the lump in my breast. It was my piercing. It didn’t puss or swell or look infected in any way but there was a painful lump that was clearly on the inside of my piercing site. Again, I did some research and learned that it was probably an abscess and that it would need medical attention. (damn it). So I saw my primary on a Monday and she promptly made me remove my piercing (double damn it). I mentioned my other symptoms and she said it was probably anemia and sent me to the lab to get a CBC (complete blood count). Well my period was wrapping up and my symptoms seemed to be doing much better so I put off the CBC until Friday. Saturday morning I got a call from the health plan telling me to come in ASAP. They were pretty adamant that I come in right away but wouldn’t (couldn’t) tell me why.. in retrospect she did rattle off some blood numbers but I had no clue what they meant and when I asked her she would just say that I needed to come in and talk about it.. Hmmm.. Yes a little scary. I called my Mom and Dad and we all headed down to New Haven.

  We got to the urgent care waiting room, which was full, and they called me right in (not a good sign). The doctor did a lot of feeling around pushing and shoving, noting my bruises and taking my history. Then it happened. I remember first hearing the word leukemia in a sentence that had to do with me, ME! I also remember the feeling of going into instant shock. It was like a slap in the face. The doctor didn't do it badly, he was actually very vague but eventually I guess he had to actually say the word, and boy did it have impact. He said that he was sending me to the emergency room to “rule out leukemia”. I was like “what?” He said a few more things that didn’t make any sense to me since all I saw was a moving mouth, and I was like “what?” He asked if I wanted my parents to come in and I was like “what? Uh, sure”. They came in wanting to know what was going on (of course) but saying it out loud was extremely difficult. I managed to get it out and I saw my moms eyes glaze over just as mine must have. We just sat there in shock.

  We managed to get to the emergency room, thinking the whole time that we were going to do another blood test and rule out leukemia. I mean that’s what the doctor at the health plan said, right? When we got there, they pulled me right in (gosh, not a good sign) and they actually moved some people out of a "room" and into the hall to put me in (dang! again not a good sign!). During our 6 or so hours in the ER we were told that it could be a virus or something else and that we shouldn’t worry, but we couldn’t go yet… eventually they decided that they would admit me.. ok, that’s cool, I’ll just hang here till we rule out leukemia, that is why were here after all, right?

  The next day I had a hard time understanding why the doctors were talking about Chemo. I had a harder time understanding why they sent me to surgery to get a Hickman put in (that experience is a whole other story for later). After the Hickman was put in they did the bone marrow biopsy. As far as I knew, we were still trying to rule out leukemia. No one said leukemia was it, I mean the doctor came in and sat with us for a while explaining what leukemia was and what to expect, but gosh, we’re ruling it out, right? By Tuesday, they were pushing chemo in. I don’t really remember when the actual diagnosis came in. I think it was that weekend. Between the crapy state my blood was in and the crapy feelings chemo induced, that week was pretty much a blur of loving visitors and the insides of my eyelids. Shock was pretty much still in the forefront of everyone’s minds.

  That was the beginning...