You ever just sit there and watch the huge flocks of birds ebb and flow to that one song? You know what I mean? Where they all dip and dive magically to the same beat and in perfect harmony.. I love that. When I’m driving and spot a flock I always take notice and if I happen to be in a place where I can actually pay attention to them, its pure magic to my heart. Well, I experienced one of those rare moments today, when the flock came close enough to me to actually lift my spirit…
    I went in for my fifth round of chemo this week. I just hate chemo.. there aren’t really other words to explain it. It’s just so crazy.. everything about it is crazy. Why, when I feel completely fine, would I see any sense in going to the hospital to make myself sick? I mean, I know its to fight cancer ‘n all which is why I actually do it but I just cant help but wonder.. why? I’ve mentioned before that usually things go the same and you can kinda tell what is going to happen next, but there is always a little twist. A little something that isn’t’ the same, maybe a little better or maybe a little worse. This time, I just hated it from the beginning. I went in on Monday morning, which meant that I would be getting my sixth and final dose of this round on Wednesday night so I could go home on Thursday… Cyterabine is poison and it feels like poison when its creeping thru your body looking for the bad ol’ cancer cells. So naturally, when something goes wrong with your body (like having poison pumped in) it reacts to try and right the situation. Which means that of course I developed a fever by Tuesday and by that night it had reached a point where the docs weren’t happy. We still pushed thru with the poison though.. had to stay focused and not get derailed.. All this time I am confined to a plastic bed (which does nothing for the sweats accompanying the fevers) with nothing on TV, no internet (of course I got the only room without it) and no desires. So, to recap, being in a little white plastic room with nothing to do while your having poison pumped thru your body isn’t fun. By the time I left on Friday morning, I was vomiting the insides of my stomach (didn’t mention that I just couldn’t eat anything all week long.. I tried.. I just didn’t have the appetite and the smell of food made me nauseous) I had this ridiculous rash and an overall haze.. but hey, at least I was going home.
    Somehow.. in my haze.. I managed to get in my car and drive the hour trip home on Friday morning. I had been planning a bologna and cheese sandwich on fresh potato bread for a couple of days now and was headed straight for the grocery store. I don’t remember much of my ride home, I was clearly guided.. But it happened just as I got off the highway. My magic moment. There was this flock of birds sitting in a tree just off the off ramp, waiting for me. As I drove by, with the perfect timing one would expect from these birds, they took off and swooped my car. For a split second I had birds on all sides of my car and they literally lifted my heart as they flew off. It was just magic. My spirit lifted just a bit.. enough to notice.. and I thank them for getting me home…
    Reflecting on this throughout my day has opened many doors of symbolism to me and will probably continue to do so but I guess the main purpose this story is coming thru me is that its magic.. it all is. It doesn’t matter that I’m cooped up in a hospital bed somewhere or my best friend is working her ass off to keep food in her kids mouths or that the one man who can truly touch my soul is in jail. None of it matters. We are taken care of, if we let it. The trick is having the patience to wait for it and having the love and trust to know its coming. Too deep? Sorry..