What do I write about these days? My life after cancer is pretty uneventful. I mean there is the standard stuff I’ve mentioned before but all and all things are good. I got news of someone passing away of a cancer that was diagnosed (or re-diagnosed, im not sure) around the same time I got sick. This made me feel a little guilty to have survived. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. I read about such feelings so I’m not really surprised but at the same time, I am.

I also started reading a book that my sister gave me back when I was first diagnosed “my so-called normal life” by Erin Z-something… It’s an autobiographical story of a young girl (23) who was hit by the leukemia bus. She was diagnosed with CML (Chronic Mylogenious (sp?) Leukemia). I’m about a third of the way through the book and it’s doing a job on me. Her cancer is treated differently than the one I had, but its still nice to see the similarities in feelings and such. Even though it’s been a year (YES its been ONE WHOLE YEAR since I was diagnosed), at times, it still feels all very new. I think for the most part, people get along fine and treat me as nothing ever happened but I do secretly wonder if I’m the girl who had leukemia. On one hand, this wouldn’t bother me since I am indeed a girl who had leukemia and I could use a perk every now and then, if someone wants to throw perks at me. On the other… normal is nice.

I still feel like a walking time bomb sometimes although the feelings are far and few. Only when I’m feeling “off” do the ugly thoughts creep up. Like when I spend my days off laying around in bed (which happens far too often these days). I have to remind myself that I was the same way before I was diagnosed.. uh.. yea.. then I remind myself that before I was diagnosed, I HAD CANCER!! So as you can see, it’s a battle. (although the “before” I am referring to is before before – way before - like always).

Physically I am doing ok. I’ve gained a bit of weight since chemo ended.. well actually I’ve gained a bit of weight since I was diagnosed (30 lbs to be exact) but mostly after chemo. This bothers me a HUGE amount. The doctor says that this is fairly normal. Something about the metabolic something or other adjusting with the drug not there… “like when you quit smoking?” I ask. “exactly” he says. Oh great! 30 frikin pounds!! So I’m at it full force now. Watching everything that goes in my mouth and making every effort to be considerably more active.. and watching that stupid number go up and up and up. Arghh!! Aside from that, I have an irritable bowel type thing that attacks every now and then. I should probably mention this to my doctor but I see him like every 6 weeks now and I never remember.. oh well..