I’m finding that I am having much of the same issues that I’ve blogged about in the past. Life after cancer is still an issue for me. There isn’t a day that goes by that cancer isn’t in my thoughts. Some days are worse than others. I am almost a year out from my last chemo treatment (Dec 05) and I find that my confidence in my “cure” is fairly weak. Most of the time I feel like I am waiting for a relapse as opposed to believing in my cure. There are times when I think I have a handle on trusting my body again, or at least thinking that I can one day trust my body again, and then I get some kind of funky bruise and I freak out. I’m not sure what to freak out about and what I should just chill on. Like a stupid little bruise, who doesn’t bruise? I certainly don’t want to bother my doc over a stupid little bruise but people die of AML all the time. I remember I read once that a great deal of the deaths of AML come from relapse gone unchecked. I’m not sure how valid that statement is but I can see how it makes sense. I get my blood checked every few months (my next CBC isn’t for 3 months), in that amount of time things can go south and put me in a great deal of trouble. I’m not sure I’ll be able to recognize any of the warning signs. I mean I know when my platelets get real low there are some tell tale signs but I’d like to think that a relapse would be caught before they get so low that these tell take sighs rear their ugly heads, ya know?

My next gripe (guess I’m in a gripey mood) is my lack of dates. I am still fairly sad that I did the whole cancer thing without a soul mate on hand. Don’t get me wrong, my family and friends were invaluable but there were many many times I would lay alone in my bed for days and think that it’d be so nice to have someone to hold me and reassure me that everything would be ok… oh well, that part of my life is done. Looking forward, my romantic future looks bleak. I put on a bit of weight after chemo (grumble grumble) so I don’t feel all that attractive and I suppose that shows cuz I’m not getting any attention from guys. Sigh.. Ok, I’m done. Gonna work on a good attitude tomorrow, promise.

I have discovered the message boards on the leukemia and lymphoma society web page and am finding a good amount of comfort among my survivor peers.