It’s been a while, sorry. Now that cancer is not a major focus of my life, there’s less to blog about it. But today, it’s update time.

It’s been almost 4 years since my dx. Seems like just yesterday. Sometimes the shock and disbelief still creep up on me. Just when I’m feeling comfortable and ready to take the next step forward, the fear of that moment, the moment when my world stops, the moment I hear “you’ve got leukemia”, creeps up on me and takes me back. Only for a minute, till I can rationalize with my fear and convince it that it’s ok to relax and not worry. I must admit, I’m not sure my brain 100% believes it but it does a good job convincing who/whatever needs convincing. I’m fine and will be forever. I will live a long happy life without having to battle cancer again. I will die a peaceful natural way without the help of the evil that cancer is.. a long long time from now. I can say the words and I can almost believe them, I can. But it’s a battle when everywhere I look, it’s there. Cancer is everywhere. It’s suffocating and so damn frightening. I put it up on the shelf and try not to think about it so much. Watching my Aunt die, watching the cancer take her, was by far, hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Then to see my Gram die the same death.. Burying my neighbor from the same fate.. hearing of death from my support group.. It can all be very overwhelming. The conflict I have for being a survivor. It’s a smigid odd to admit but I’ve felt guilty in the presence of grieving family because I was fortunate enough to survive my battle. Silly, I know, but it’s there.

So, yea, I’m healthy. My last oncology appointment was in December and my counts were normal. I go to the doctor every 6 months now and get a CBC whenever I feel I might need one. I’ve been doing really well not freaking out at every bout of fatigue or bruise. There are times in my cycle that I have more moments of concern but ive gotten to the point where I recognize it and am able to wait it out before I freak out. Time, I guess, can be a wonderful thing. The more time I’m given, the easier it is to deal.

My girls are doing well too. I’m not sure of exactly how well they are dealing or dealt with my cancer. They don’t like to talk about it.. Well, they don’t like to talk about it to ME. Honestly I think puberty is a bigger issue right now. There isn’t quite a light at the end of the tunnel yet as they are 10 & 13 but I know it’s there ;-)

So that’s it, that’s my update. Hope all is well with you and yours. Till next time..