I can remember it like it was yesterday. The early spring Saturday morning was gloomy from days of drizzle and I had slept in as I had most of the week. I was thinking about a shopping trip with my mother as I showered and prepared for the day. Before I could really get started, the phone rang and showed the Yale Health plan on the display. I remember thinking that they can sometimes be really good as I only had my blood drawn the afternoon before. I had waited a week to have my lab work done because my symptoms were fading, it was probably a little anemia and my body fighting the abscess I had discovered in a fresh piercing the week before.. I wasn’t worried. Sure I had been tired moreso than usual, but I like to sleep. I figured my gums bleeding was from something like scurvy, yes, I really did entertain that idea.. figured I’d pick up some vitamin C pills and be good to go.

I answered the phone and the nurse on the other end explained that my blood work was off and they wanted me to come in and run a few more tests. I didn’t really understand what she was saying. There were numbers being rattled off and I asked “what exactly does that mean?” but she wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I explained that I lived sixty miles away and asked if I could come in on Monday when I’d be in New Haven for work. She told me that not only did they want me in today, but as soon as possible. Ug. I hung up from her and called my mother. We made plans to go down to New Haven, take care of business and maybe swing by the Clinton Outlets on the way home.

The drizzly gloom held tight for the long ride down. We speculated a little on the way down what could be the big deal but we mostly sat in quiet as Dad navigated the way. We walked into the busy urgent care center and let the receptionist know I was there. My butt didn’t get to warm the waiting room seat before I was called in (this can’t be good I thought). I’ll never forget that little yellow room. I sat in there as the dr on duty poked and prodded and thoroughly examined my body. I asked what he suspected but he was vague and skirted with “let me finish my exam and we’ll discuss”.. er.. “whatever “ I think as he’s checking out the baby bruises I have below my waist. He finishes and explains that my blood counts were way off and that maybe there was a mistake in the lab, maybe some blood got mixed up but “we’re going to send you to the hospital to redo the test and rule out leukemia”. Um, what? I’m sure I didn’t hear you right. He explained that it could very well be something else but he didn’t know so he wanted us to go to the hospital. He then asked if I wanted my parents to come in, naturally I said yes.

I was in shock but it didn’t really hit home until my folks came in. Naturally they expected me to tell them what was going on. I didn’t really understand myself, how was I supposed to relay this info to my parents? I tried to speak but nothing wanted to come out, I had no idea what words to string together. Somehow, after a few moments of struggle, I managed to relay what the doctor told me. I can remember reading the shock of comprehension in their eyes. We sad quietly in that little yellow room for what felt like hours but was only minutes. The doctor came in and spent some time using different words that didn’t really help the situation. We heard “prognosis” and “ask about survival…” not really sure what came after that as my brain stopped working at survival. What do I need to survive? Lots of people live through leukemia, right? (I didn’t get to ask this question that day and didn’t like the answer when I did get the chance). This is no big deal, right? He asked us if I wanted to take an ambulance over  to the hospital. Why?? Uh… naw, we’ll drive the couple of blocks.

None of us were looking forward to an afternoon in a busy New Haven ER, ug. We walk in, let the people know we were there and I was immediately taken care of. Oh crap, this really can’t be good we thought. They started getting some of the regular ER info from me and walked me back when they learned enough. My parents remained with the reception woman doing the rest of the paperwork. Weird! Inside the ER was full, there were people in the halls, all the rooms were full and drapes were drawn everywhere. My escort deposited me on a free cot in the hallway and told me to wait. I’m sitting there on the cot, with crazy going on around me and some crazy Einstein looking dr approached me and asked if he could help me, as I might be lost just sitting there in my street clothes on a cot in the middle of the ER. “Crap, he’s going to make me say the word again, isn’t he?” I thought. With as much strength I could muster I manage out in a shaky voice “I’m here to rule out leukemia?”. His whole demeanor changed. His eyes went soft and he took a step into my personal space. Turns out he was the head dr on charge that day and he tried to have friendly distracting conversation with me about cameras and Apple computers. He moved on but his visit lingered for a while. It didn’t take long for a room to be cleared and to be nestled in with my parents for the journey. But I did note the people who left the room were now sitting on a cot in the hallway. What the frik is the big deal here???

We were told much of what the urgent care doctor told us. It could be from the abscess I had the week prior or something completely benign. They took more blood and we waited.,, and waited.. and waited. At one point, Dr. Einstein comes into my room as I’m using the restroom and tells my mother “this will either be an event or a non-event”. We made fun of that statement for a while, it helped pass the time. Five hours later (the comforting typical behavior we expect from a visit to the ER) they tell us I’m getting a room upstairs so they can run more tests to rule out leukemia. I guess we’re not going to hit the outlets today.
This was the day my world changed. I went from a young 30 year old single mother of two to a cancer survivor. I didn’t really know how much my life would change, but it was clear that it was about to change. The shock wouldn’t settle for days and the ruling never did eliminate leukemia from the short list. I didn’t leave the hospital for almost a month and even then it wasn’t for long. Treatment sucked and rocked all at the same time. No, I didn’t enjoy all the sick that goes with cancer treatment but I did enjoy the time to get acquainted with my new life. Everything changed. I’ve always prided myself on “living for the day” or having a good outlook on life and now I’m dealing with the reality of those life traits.

Today I celebrate day one of my five year cancerversary. In five years I’ve learned powerful lessons but never had an epiphany. I’ve evolved into someone who truly does take life seriously. I still cannot comprehend how much of a big deal leukemia is. Oh it hits home every now and then when a friend dies of the same disease and I’m very afraid of the fact that it’s most of my AML friends who relapse. For a while I was convinced my fate was going to be the same eventually. But I’ve learned to live with the fear and keep it under control. Leukemia IS a big deal. The fact that I beat 25% survival odds IS a big deal. I do know this (but it’s still very hard to comprehend) and it is for this reason that I will be celebrating the whole month of May. There is varying ideas of where to count your date of remission from. Some say the date of diagnosis, some don’t go right into remisson so they count the first clean test date or even the last treatment. April 29, 2005 I didn’t have my diagnosis yet and wouldn’t for about a week but It was the day it all started. The following day I was fitted with a hickman and the day following that my first chemo treatment. I spent the month fighting and evil I couldn’t comprehend and I won my battle. It’s for this that I will be celebrating not just today, but the month. I am a survivor in every sense of the word. I celebrate not only my own life, but the lives I’ve seen taken and the lives I know still fight. Cancer isn’t always a death sentence, even the scary ones. I love my life.